TAFFF's Crack Squad

Mr Ball

Mr Ball was born in a toilet on an Intercity 125 enroute to Aberystwth sometime in the 1970s.  Abandoned by his family, he was raised by a tramp named Betty in a disused allotment just outside Dinas.  At the age of 3 he got his first job as a scarecrow.  His natural ability for the job kept him in it until he was 28.  After leaving the field to seek his fortune he began a short but illustrious career mugging the elderly around the back of Castle Bingo.  Mr Ball has been the only contestant to have been voted off first on The Weakest Link a record number of twelve times, and Chegger's Plays Pop, twice.  Mr Ball knows over two sexual positions and he remains confident that some time soon he will eventually meet a woman who is desperate, vulnerable and mentally unbalanced enough for him to be able to put into practice what he has read about in More magazine.  His last relationship ended abruptly when his latest girlfriend punctured.  When translated into Hebrew, Mr Ball's name means Man With Tiny Cock.  His secret weapon is his stubborn refusal to look facts in the face.

Mr Boy

Whether Mr Boy was born or created in a lab is a question that still baffles scientists.  The origins of this man/mutant has an oriental connection.  Although he once was asked to pinpoint China on a world map and placed it somewhere in between Bangor and Builth Wells, his knowledge of Hong Kong Phooey is encyclopedic.  After leaving school at the age of 5, Mr Boy still boasts that the teachers there said 'we can do nothing more for him'.   He educated himself watching Blockbusters and Going For Gold through his neighbours kitchen windows and he remains hopeful that one day he will be able to understand Button Moon.  He then entered the field of Hamster Dentistry, and is considered the world's leading authority on the removal of Wisdom teeth from Gerbils, Weasels and Voles. Later, Mr Boy took a job guarding onions in an allotment on the outskirts of Dinas.  Destiny, was at work, as he became distracted by a scarecrow.  It was just like when Lennon first met McCartney only without the talent, intelligence, ability, looks, charm, and self esteem.  Soon the pair became inseparable.  Then on a breezy morning in the spring of 1984 their lives would change forever.  A lamb, her wool so white and pure, skipped into the field.  Transfixed by her beauty time stood still.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Colin (The Listening Pigeon)

At the start of 1941 in the Ogmore Valley there was only one question on everybody's lips.  Has Hitler really only got one ball?  However, by the time the valley entered a particularly cold and bitter winter that year, there was an even more pressing question.  A question that until just twelve weeks ago, had always gone unanswered. 

During the summer and autumn months of '41 the valley was in the grip of a crimewave.  Villains ranging from sneak thiefs to armed robbers roamed the terraced streets knowing that an understaffed police force was powerless to stop them.  News of such easy pickings spread across the land of Wales and before long the valley was swamped with all kinds of low-lifes.

All this changed, however, when an old and weary stranger took a farmhouse that overlooked the vale.  His name was Ely McMaggot.  Ely was a quiet man who loved nothing better than smoking his pipe in front of an open fire in the valley's pubs.  Yet, his new presence in the vale and the immediate and drastic fall in the crime rates did not go unnoticed.  Whenever the locals discussed the phenomenon in the local taverns it always had one effect.  Ely, who would be sitting by himself in the corner, would start chuckling to himself.  People would often approach him and ask him things like "What is so funny Ely" ? The only reply they ever got was "He's here" or "It's him".  "Who is here Ely"? demanded the locals but by this point Ely would just keep giggling, rubbing his hands and smiling to himself.

Ely passed away just eight months after moving into the farmhouse.  Two volunteers from the working men's club offered to clean up and secure the dwelling until the next tenant arrived.  What the men found, however, was the first clue in the mystery.  Bird seed was found all over the floors, a black feather lay across Ely's pillow, and a tiny piece of paper, no bigger than your thumb, was found on the floor next to Ely's rocking chair.  The chair in which he breathed his last.  Only one word had been written on the note, 'Colin'. 

Ely's secret was out and a legend was born.  He had been keeping a pigeon in the old farmhouse, a bird it seemed, with astonishing crime fighting abilities and stealth-like talent so supreme that he went unnoticed in the communtiy below.  Soon, parents all over the valley were telling stories of Colin and his daring escapades to their children at bedtimes.  The rumours spread like wildfire and the tales became more and more fantastic with Colin becoming a mythical fantasy hero.  However, it soon became accepted in the valley that Colin was just a fable, a legend of fiction, not a real bird. 

The two men who cleared out old Ely's farmhouse were called Mr Ball and Mr Boy.  They each had a grandson.  The kindness they showed by helping to tidy up the old farmhouse was never forgotten by one special soul.  So, unbeknowst to TAFFF's leaders, Colin The Listening Pigeon was about to repay an old debt.

John 'The Shaft' Shaft

It is now universally accepted that the two most terrifying words in the English language are John Shaft.

Biography: John Shaft

Date of Birth: Unknown

Parents: Unknown

Place of Origin: Doesn't Care

Accurate accounts of the early life of this peerless fighting machine are non-existent.  We can only go by the version most heard throughout the land.  John Shaft was raised by tigers in the jungles of Bengal.  It was from these magnificent predators that he first learnt his now infamous skills.  He learned how to stalk, trap, and kill by the age of 18 months, by the time he was 4 he had killed over 490 wildebeast and 73 poachers.  At the age of only 6 he was forced to leave the jungles of Bengal as he had killed over 97% of the wildlife there.

Whilst crossing the desert he was spotted by a British spy plane.  After a standoff lasting 83 hours and getting shot a record number of 46 times with tranquillizer darts, the Shaft was eventually subdued and boarded onto the plane that carried him to Wales.

During his first period in the valleys he underwent the strictest, most gruelling and most merciless SAS training that has ever been conducted.  John Shaft completed the training in just one afternoon.  He was aged 9.  It was then decided by the heads of the British Armed Forces to enlist the Shaft in the SAS permanantly.  However, he was soon given an early commission as his superiors reported that John Shaft was making all the other soldiers look like little girls. 

Not long after this John Shaft became classifed with a unique tag.  The chain, from bottom to top reads, Atomic Bomb, Hydrogen Bomb, John Shaft, Polaris Nuclear Warhead.  John Shaft remains the only human to have to undergo examination by foreign weapon inspectors. 

There is simply not enough room to list more awards from his illustrious career.  However, below are just some facts about John 'The Shaft' Shaft.

1.  Insurance companies have a policy which covers damage caused by tornados, forest fire and John Shaft.
2.  John Shaft once uppercutted a horse.  It's desendants are known as giraffes.
3.  In 2007 the world's greatest killers were. 1. Malaria 2. John Shaft 3. AIDS.
4.  John Shaft once took part in the Polermo Bull Run.  He walked. 
5.  All new nuclear bunkers are fitted with 18ft titanium walls.  The process is known as 'Shaft Proofing'.

The Mighty Charles

Native American legend states that the deserts of Colorado were once the hunting ground of a fierce man-eating ram, who according to eye-witness reports, would swoop down from the heavens during full moon's and bank holidays and carry off into its heavenly kingdom hunters who dared enter its sacred land.  A sculpture of the mythical creature is carved into the highest point of the Grand Canyon looking westward towards the land from which it first came.

Strangely, and unexplicably, an identical carving appeared on the walls opposite Nantymoel Porn Store in 1988. According to Mr Ball he had innocently come out of the store, having mistaken it for a charity shop, when he spotted the new and strange addition to the valley's collection of outstanding artwork.

In his diary, dated 7th June 1988, he writes "I accidentally entered an adult sex shop and got lost inside for six hours.  After eventually being asked to 'put it away' and 'leave the premises immediately' I noticed on a wall outside an ingraving that terrified me even more than Cruella De Ville.  It's blood red eyes seemed to be following my every move yet I also felt a strange sense of karma.  It was only a month after the image first appeared that stories of strange happenings were occuring throughout the valley's hills and fields.  Would be sheep nappers began to dissappear and rumours abounded of a 'Satanic Sheep' roaming the vale.  The most famous tale involved a man by name of Morgan who assembled an army of frightened villagers who plotted to lure the beast into a cunning trap before slaying it with poisoned arrows.  Reports of the battle claim that the 'Devil Sheep' was killed in a hail of venom filled arrows and its body then buried under Ogmore Life Centre where its ghost is reported to still roam the sports hall during the hours of darkness.

However, as so often is the case with myths and legends, the truth was a casualty.  The real story is that the beast only got a slight headache after being bombarded with the spears of Cyanide and it swore to remain hidden in the forests above the valley until the day came when its powers would be needed.  Five months ago, two men needed its help, Charles would not let them down. 

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